The Dying Edifice

"This world’s anguish is no different

from the love we insist on holding back."

- Aberjhani

It's 1:29 am in the night and a crippling anxiety is troubling me, causing a state of insomnia and extreme discomfort I can't even explain. Maybe I can explain. Walking back home today from the gym, I stopped and gazed at this old, dilapidated building just two blocks away from my building. This structure has been here for way too many years now. It's an abandoned building that was supposed to be inhabited with people but got stuck in a lawsuit between two brothers who built the structure together and are now fighting for ownership. 

I witnessed its construction way back in 2014-15, and it was a beautiful edifice; tall, crimson, beautifully constructed with cute windows and a balcony from which one could oversee the mangroves of Airoli. Being a builder's daughter, I really do enjoy appreciating a great design. Getting back to the story, the project was completed but, because of the lawsuit, it was never occupied by people and hence turned into a ghost apartment as the years progressed. All its beauty is tarnished with weeds growing on the once alluring balconies and windows, and its crimson colour turning black and brown, facing the dull weather year after year. 

 

How can such a structure that was meant to be home to so many people and be a place that was supposed to be habitable turn into a grave-like dead spot? If only the brothers were kind enough to talk things out and resolve their differences, the future of that spot would have been much different than it is today. It's not a very philosophical thought that made me ponder so much, but it was more or less like an epiphany. Often, we humans ruin so many opportunities just by not communicating. It's one's inability to walk past our well established belief systems and our egos that causes the misunderstanding in our relationships.

 

As Indians, we have seen brothers fighting in most homes over property, parental ownership, and all the fuckall adult shit you can think of. Personally, I don't understand the fundamental fabric of these fights and thus don't give a flying fuck about it. But it is a cause of concern as to how much time and energy is wasted in resolving these problems that are purely based on fragile egos and greed to almost a great extent. And it's not just the family problems but also a lot of our daily friendships and relationships that gets affected by this issue. We cannot blame individuals for this epidemic, but rather the fact that Indian society is based solely on preconceived notions and rules that foster misogyny, patriarchy, ego wars, and greed in its social fabric.

 

I believe myself to be a very sensitive human being. I tend to get affected by the people around me and their behavioural patterns. I can't stay mad at people for treating me badly; neither can I cultivate hate inside me. Even when I try to, it eats my soul to a point where I feel restless. In all my attentive senses, I wish people well and want them to be happy and contented. And I hope more people feel that way too. Hate and grudges do no good to anyone. It eats your soul to the point where you are not you anymore. Moving on, forgiving and keeping on giving back the goodness is the only positive way out of things. 

 

There is a term in Hindi called "ghantha", meaning a knot. In one of Osho's speeches (I don't agree with his theories, but I find some of his sayings fascinating), he says that a knot is formed in our bodies every time we suppress our strong feelings inside us because we can't break through the thick walls of prejudices, rules, and ways of the world to do the things we really want to do. And this knot is created every time we hold back a tear, resentment, hate, or love in the broader sense. And progressively, our bodies become stiff and cold, and eventually they become static and rot like a dead creature. Wasn't that a very graphic way to look at the expression of thoughts? But it is indeed a theory that helps me be expressive and open to the world. Overexpression can ruin your life by breaking down your walls of privacy and making you a vulnerable individual whose strengths and weaknesses are openly available for manipulation, while underexpression can ruin your life by locking you up in your own jail of comfort and convenience and preventing you from getting the opportunities you probably deserve.

But it really was an epiphany, wasn't it?

 

Now imagine the apartment that could have been a place someone called their home, but now it's being used by teenagers to smoke weed. I surely do not wish to be that ghost apartment. For all the time that I have on this planet, I am going to be expressive and kind to people to the best of my ability. And wish them well or hope they heal from whatever shit that's making them do the things they are doing. Humans are products of their circumstances, but if my circumstances and my heart give me the power to do the right thing and generate a tad bit of love in other people's hearts, I will do it and choose to do it every single day. I just don't wish to see the relics of that dead apartment in anyone. No one deserves a static existence, but they do deserve a free, lively, and happy one.